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Heifer Riding and Poop Diving


This story begins on Uncle Hank's dairy farm. It was a great place to visit! We'd visit for a week here and a week there and you ALWAYS learned something...

1. Newborn calves are HUMONGOUS (and rather sticky).

2. Hay weighs much more than you'd think.

3. If you leave a gate open, cows WILL escape- and keep on going till they're free.

4. If you don't tighten the saddle on a horse, you WILL wind up on the ground.

5. Sulfur water SMELLS BAD and cows get FRESH water so their milk won't stink.

6. MADCOW does exist... and they get that way when you scare them.

a few more added by the OLDER sisters...

7. When told to move cows from one pasture to another, don't flap your poncho to "scare" them into moving... you will be spanked by your uncle.

8. Listen when told NOT to walk in front of the bull being kept in the barn in one of the cow stalls. Yes, they CAN reach you when you walk by.

9. Remember there are holes up in the hay mow that are for throwing hay down to the barn floor. Unfortunately, small children can fit through those same holes.


Where's Patty?  Oh.. she fell down that hole.
Conveyor Riding


There are countless other things you learn on a farm... even if you're only there a couple weeks out of a year, but you didn't come here to learn something... you came to read about heifer riding and poop diving... so here goes!


One of the best places to play on a farm (besides the hay loft and the cornfield) is the apple orchard. Moo.The heifers generally like to hang out there as well - I mean all those apples... just lying on the ground... it's like heifer paradise! They stroll around the orchard, looking down at the sumptuous apples just lying there. They never think to look UP into the trees... I mean... the apples there are better than the ones on the ground, but cows can't climb trees- and I don't think they dream or plot and plan... so they just eat what's within reach.

LITTLE DID THEY KNOW that kids DO plot and plan... and they DO climb trees...

So, Patty, Patty, Jimmy and Nancy decide to do a little heifer riding and... what's the best way to get onto a heifer? Drop from the trees, of course! No heifer in her right mind is going to let some kid just climb up on top of her back for a ride!

I think the basic idea may have been formulated from some old movie where Errol Flynn drops out of a tree in Sherwood Forest - or maybe we were just stupid!

I said MOO.

So, there we sit... up in a tree... eating some apples and just waiting for some unsuspecting heifer to wander under it. You line up jussssst right and drop down on her back! BINGO!

Sounds like fun... not too difficult... BUT- did you know that these docile little beauties are related to bulls? I mean, a heifer is just a young one- of the opposite gender persuasion, but related, none the less. And what do bulls do when a rider gets on their back? GO CRAZY!!!!!!!! They buck, they run, they do whatever it takes to get the rider off... just like heifers! I mean.. where do you think they got the name MADCOW???? So, you stay on as long as you can... and it's funny... and you laugh... and if you're the youngest, you probably MISS the darn cow alltogether and everyone else makes fun of you... so off you go sulking amongst the heifers and the apples and the pies in the orchard... so maybe you start to run away from those bully kids... the ones that CAN ride the heifers.. the ones that don't miss... and you run... and the next thing you know, you're nose deep in steaming cow pie- from your elbow to your ears and I know from whenst I speaketh... IT AIN'T PIE.


So.. stay out of the trees and off of our backs!


That's all I got... I'm humiliated again. Moo.



madcow wav. moo.


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